Stuffing Is For Turkeys and A Truth About Feelings

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I've had this really bad habit that I've wanted to break free from for years.  You may recognize it in your life as well.  I call it emotional stuffing.  Here's the recipe--no turkey required:

Take one full serving of any of one of those feelings that make you feel vulnerable. My emotions of choice are frustration, fear of disapproval, or hurt.  Feel free to add any of your own choosing--disappointment, grief, self-loathing, or anger work as well.  FYI, they typically all stem from fear.  (Check out this article for a more in-depth explanation.)

Now take that big heaping pile of an unpleasant and uncomfortable feeling and you stuff it.  That's right.  Push it way down deep inside never to be seen or heard from again.

That's it!  Simple, right?

Please be aware that there is one unfortunate side effect to stuffing.  There's some guaranteed heartburn when those feelings don't get dealt with. They eventually have the audacity to show up down the road at the most inappropriate times, uninvited and having grown exponentially in size making even your 401K, with the most aggressive rate of return, horribly jealous.

It seems obvious enough that we should deal with our feelings, but let's be real, even the best of us fall victim to stuffing. 

I've spent a lot of time pondering how to overcome this bad habit.  Confrontations are pretty much my least favorite thing to do in the entire world and it's been endlessly frustrating because in order to overcome my "stuff it" feelings, they require honest communications with others that leave me vulnerable to feeling more of what I'm trying to avoid.

Yep, it's a conundrum.  But since I've learned that I can do hard things (and you can too), I decided once and for all one day that I was ready.  Bring on the change!  I prayed with real intent that I could quit the stuffing and start talking and addressing what needed to be said.  I had no problem standing up for others or for values, but when it came to direct hurt, it was always easier for me to let it go and sweep it under the rug only to find some of those quietly kept feelings simmering and stewing.

Prayer is a funny thing in that it actually works.  Yup, it does, so as I mentioned here, here, and here, if you truly seek change for anything in your life--anything--hold on tight to your bootstraps because you'll get just what you've asked for and often in the least expected of ways.

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Around the same time that I had made this commitment to myself to overcome the stuffing process, I received a letter from a dear friend.  This letter was his gracious and valuable effort in letting me know that something that I had said and how I had said it had caused him pain.  Though my intentions in my eyes made perfect sense, it hadn't come across in the way that it was intended.  It had left him hurting at a time when he was already dealing with other difficulties.

I grieved and groveled and with that same initial graciousness, he readily accepted my apology and our friendship was reconciled.  Instead of that experience being an embarrassing situation, it was a gift for me because it exhibited a pattern that I had needed to learn and had craved in my life.  I wanted to be able to mirror his ability to say, "Hey! You need to know that what you did/said hurt me or was not okay" and then be able to move forward.  No stuffing--just open and willing to face those vulnerable feelings and do so with grace. I'm always amazed at how God can bring us just what we need.

Fast forward through the last year of my life and if you were a fly on the wall, you'd witness a subtle pattern of endless situations that have offered opportunities to voice uncomfortable feelings and to put graciousness into practice.  That Refiner's fire has been at it again.  And though I've got a long way to go before I'm completely comfortable with this revised recipe for dealing with difficult feelings,  I've started to save the stuffing for Thanksgiving Day dinner.  I'm feeling lighter already.

See you at the next adventure!

~Arianna

Beyond the Status Quo of Motherhood

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Hallmark would be proud.  This Mother's Day, a store-bought card was truly the most profound portion of the entire day.  In it, pastel pink printed flowers delicately framed a prewritten message expressing love and appreciation.  The most significant part was that it didn't even come from a family member.  Nope, not from the kids that technically qualify me to be in the "mother" category, but rather, from a young friend who due to the hardships of life, faces the rest of her life without her own mother.

In reality, I've done nothing extraordinary for this girl--nothing that I don't already do for my own kids or for others.  I've included her in our family meals, supported her at sporting events, asked her about her day, invited her to attend church, laughed at her jokes, listened to her secrets, prayed for her during hard times, and told her that I loved her.  Nothing earth-shattering.  Nothing deserving of a Nobel Peace prize or the focus of some future documentary.  Just plain old everyday living and doing and yet to her this has meant everything. 

It might be the biggest and best kept secret of any holiday, even bigger than the truth about Santa Claus, but the fact is that many, many women loathe, hate, and even avoid Mother's Day like the plague.  I have known women who choose not to attend church on that day to further avoid the reminder.  The reasons vary.  Here's a link to an insightful view as to why:  "A Non-Mom Speaks About Mother's Day."

Sorry fellas, it's true. The one day that has been designated as the day that you get to show the women in your life some validation actually brings on a whole lot of bitterness and resentment for a good portion of them.  What can I say?  We're a complicated bunch because those same heightened sensitivities and emotions that allow us to do all of the amazing things that we do often times makes us, well...sensitive.

I just see it as another one of Satan's tactics to try to reduce the influence that women are meant to have in this world.  If he can get us to doubt ourselves, our purposes, our sense of satisfaction and progress in this life, then he can keep us right where he wants us: A calculated and frustrating place that makes us feel that we are somehow less than others, insecure in our abilities, and unhappy with our circumstances when they don't fit an expectation. 

But the redeeming and joyful lesson to be learned in all of this is the lesson that is so often overlooked and undervalued.  Though a mother is technically born when a child comes into the world and makes the woman a mother, in reality, a mother is born the moment a baby girl comes into the world bringing all the characteristics and abilities that are innate with being female.

Some of the very best mothers that I know have never been in labor or experienced motherhood in the traditional sense. These women, young adults, and young women are mothers in the way they care for others, encourage those in their path, and sacrifice in order to help others.  Motherhood is not about experiencing labor or other mortal mothering acts.  Yes, it most definitely is a way that God has designed for many of us to embark on the journey of developing our mothering abilities, but it's not the only way that God had in mind.  And sure, easy for me to say since I've had the traditional motherhood route thus far in my life, but I know that what I feel is true.

I saw this floating around on Facebook the other day.  The first thought that came was how this sums up the essence of what parenthood should feel like on a good day and the beauty is that you don't need to have children to experience this.  I recently felt this in the organizing of an event that brought together several people and businesses from the community for a political launch.  The joy that came from seeing so many people sharing and doing what they do best and to be able to spotlight them and their talents was so, so satisfying.  To be able to give a few of them a leg up and have more visibility in their professions was enormously joyful. I was being a mother.  I was helping others, serving needs, and seeing the good in others and helping them on their path.

So women, the phrase, "you are ALL mothers," however annoying, painful, or ever so trite to hear is absolutely true. The most meaningful mothering that I've felt or given has been in receiving or doing what comes naturally to a woman.  Go on feeding your friends, reaching out to those in need, and showering the lonely with love.  It's what women do best.  It's called motherhood and you'll find the joy that Mr. Zig Ziglar explained when you can begin to define your nature, regardless of your status quo, as that of a mother.

With love to all those who mother the people in their lives,

~Arianna

What Glue Holds You Together?

Hello dear readers, I’ve missed you!

I’ve had a rough week and a half and have been in a royally bad mood.  Yep, it’s true.  Even the dog knew to steer clear and she’s usually only aware of things that involve food or her leash.

  

I had a doozy of a hard case of grumpy-itis.  Start with a generally challenging year, throw in a good dose of endlessly exhausting fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants learning curves in several areas, top it off with a heavy sprinkling of disappointments (Hawaii, you are NOT on my “nice” list right now) and I’m pretty sure that I hit some kind of a wall.  The wall not only stopped me, but I fell flat on my back, and just stared up at some metaphorical ceiling for the last several days.

 

What do YOU do when that happens? 

Well, I went on strike, doing the absolute minimum for the last week and a half. (We were late to lots of things, meals were hardly called food—did we even eat?  I think so. But honestly, I have no idea if anyone even bathed). 

 

I did have the pleasure of attending a conference over the weekend held for several of the local LDS congregations.  During one of those talks, the speaker mentioned that he sometimes asks his work clients the following question:

“What holds you together?”

It made me think of glue.  Life glue.  What holds you together?

I liked it.  It made me wonder how I would answer that if asked.  It had me reviewing what I did this past week that held me together even though I felt like I was on a “life strike” of sorts.

-I still got up early each morning even though the idea of hiding in bed was much more appealing.  The morning is when my best thinking happens.  It's also when inspiration seems to come the most.

-I created my little daily sanctuary in my walk-in closet (free of noise and distractions of any kind) and had my morning scripture reading (yup, right on the floor next to the pile of the less than fresh smelling shoes and laundry begging for attention).

-I forced myself to sit and pray even when no words came because I was rather busy stewing over things.

-I counted this morning and I miraculously found/made the time to attend the temple 3 times in the last 9 days—something that I didn’t expect possible until at least age 70!

“Hooray for you and so what,” you may ask.  I’m not asking for a gold star or bragging rights here.  It’s just what holds ME together.  I've shared these things a few times before.  Find a reminder here and here.

You see, I knew that no matter how dark the day or how deep the hole, those very things would be what would help me snap out of that impending blah feeling and back into a position to tackle and sort through life.  I had total confidence in those forms of "life glue" because they are tied to the very source that holds me together on an even larger scale, but that's the topic for another day.

So when you're feeling like this: 

...consider what you're using for your glue.

Until next time!

 ~Arianna