Just know that if you follow me on Facebook, you saw a small glimpse of the highlights, but I spared you the trauma of driving 32 hours round-trip with kids in the car who get on each others nerves at the mere thought of being in the same room. Together. Possibly breathing the same air with knees touching. Good times.
The good news is that the hard parts, like in pregnancy and giving birth, are eventually lost in a fog of forgotten memories. What's left behind are the pictures of smiling faces, mouse ears with names embroidered on the back, and seashells gathered from the most splendid beach.
We have just a few more days until the start of a brand spankin' new year. If you haven't seen it already, people are scheming and sharing their goals, their new aspirations for the year, their resolutions. For the record, I NEVER make New Year's resolutions. Never. It's a total set-up for disappointment and failure, quite frankly. This lack of optimism may be surprising to you, but let me explain. I prefer to make smaller course corrections throughout the year. Lasting change comes that way, just like in effective weight loss, gaining better fitness, or increasing your savings account. Small consistent changes do the trick with infinitely better and more permanent results.
What I DO believe in and do at the start of each new year is to PLAN for joy. In my last post, I shared just a few adventures that have brought me pure, unadulterated joy in my life. I love being outside and doing something adventurous, but in order for those kinds of things to take place, I have to make a plan or it just won't happen.
I love lists and they have to be even numbered:) Humor my slightly OCD moment, please. This is how my agenda looks so far:
1. snowshoeing on Mt. Hood and convince some maniacs to snow camp with me
2. start yoga and add TRX training back into my routine
3. hike in Yosemite
4. white water rafting twice
5. run the NW Passage Ragnar relay
6. take a group of 12 to hike/climb Mt. St. Helens
7. backpacking in the Olympic National Park or in Mt. Rainier National Park
8. plan/execute year 4 of 'Couve to Coast and our annual Labor Day weekend Oregon coast beach trip
9. a possible family reunion in Mexico
10. find something totally new to try, perhaps a little kayaking or stand up paddle boarding on the Columbia River
Just typing it out to read makes me giddy. Doing this is a way that I give myself the gift of self-care. Wait, did I just drag you unsuspectingly into the world of "self-help?" Yup. You betcha. We are all responsible for our own happiness. Sitting around waiting for good things to happen and land in our laps is foolishness. We're suffering from a good bout of entitlement if we whine and complain about our circumstances and do absolutely nothing about it.
Make a plan and do something.
For those of you that are or have been young moms, do you experience or remember that feeling of losing yourself? Have you woken up one day out of the fog of sleepless nights and teething toddlers trying to remember who the heck you are and what exactly is it that you liked to do in a world before nap-times and cutting food up into bite-sized bits? Perhaps you've been a care-giver to a person with an illness or perhaps some other circumstance that has required all that you have and all that you are to be sacrificed in the name of a worthy and necessary cause. We have or will at some time find ourselves in this perfect storm. It's an essential environment for personal growth--learning such sacrifice is absolutely critical for personal development, but with all things, it needs to be balanced.
I see all too often those of you (mothers especially) generous, kind, self-sacrificing folk needing a good dose of self-care. It almost sounds like a four letter word, doesn't it? Especially if you come from a religious environment that praises self-sacrifice and losing oneself in the service of others, this concept may sound selfish and radical and maybe even sinful at best.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't lost my mind nor have I jumped ship--those of you that have served with me in many capacities over the years know that I am a firm supporter of the value of sacrifice and service. It's woven into what makes me Arianna.
Because I come to you with first-hand experience and eye witness accounts, trust me when I tell you that anything, ANYTHING to an extreme is harmful. Yes, even service and sacrifice.
I came across a beautiful analogy that explains just why taking time to manage your own joy and essentials for happiness is important and necessary. It comes from a blog post that I found to be a thought-provoking and essential read for those of you that battle guilt and struggle with making time for yourself and filling your metaphorical cup. The author is a Christian pastor who described how he was doing all the "right things" like paying tithes, ministering to others, praying daily and yet found himself in a state of unexplained depression and exhaustion. Here is what he discovered. It is truth.
"When I was headed into my burnout phase, but before I really hit bottom, I went to a pastors' retreat. During a worship time an image came to me of a huge river. The river was the love and grace of God. It was deep and wide, and it was flowing, so there was no way you could ever use it up. And the banks of the river were full of people who were thirsty. In that image I saw myself running down to the river, filling up cups with water, and then running back to shore to give the cups to people who were thirsty. That was my job, but I knew it wasn't working. I was just getting tired. And the thirsty people were still thirsty no matter how fast I ran back and forth to the river. However, I resisted the idea that something was wrong. I even had a little argument with God, in which I insisted that those people were going to die of thirst if someone didn't take them some water.
It was then that I had a revelation: If I waded out into the water and started drinking because I was thirsty, then people who wanted to drink would see that and know where to get water themselves. Of course, it is so obvious now that it seems silly to say it, but it was a completely radical concept to me. You mean I was just supposed to drink, myself? To get my own need for spiritual refreshment filled? Was that my job?
Thinking that our job is to carry water for other people is a direct reflection of the JOY mentality. Some of us were raised with this. The idea is that J-O-Y comes from putting Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last. That's what I was doing. Because I loved Jesus I was committed to carrying water to the thirsty. I didn't have time to notice whether I was thirsty. My job was to carry water as fast as I could. I now have a completely different belief about where joy comes from. The image I have is of a water fountain made of a stack of bowls. At the top is a bowl that fills with water, which then spills out to fill the bowls under it. The bowl at the top is me. God wants to fill that top bowl until it overflows. And when it's full, it begins to overflow into other people's lives. I can give out of abundance, but not out of need. I don't need to deprive myself in order to give to others. The kingdom of God is not about scarcity. Out of our abundance we can share with others. That's a whole different approach to life."
I have to admit that when I read this passage, I sat in silence mulling it over for a bit. It was pure, inspired genius and it described so many scenarios that I had seen in my own life and that of so many others. I especially loved the imagery of God's grace flowing to others through us, but only in abundance when we have first taken the time to nourish ourselves. Kind of sounds like putting the oxygen mask on ourselves before doing so for others on an airplane. It reminds me of the passage in the book of Luke 22:32 that teaches us that we are to go out and strengthen others after we have done so for ourselves.
For those of you that need a little more assurance that making the choice to fill your cup is kosher, I'll refer you to the life of Christ. In multiple instances in the New Testament, we find the Savior taking time alone in nature, away from his disciples and from people whom he loved and served in order to recharge his own batteries. We see it it here, here, and here.
Now there are some of you that actually need a good cattle prodding in the direction that screams, "Pull your head out of your indifferent or self-absorbed world and help others!" but most of you (and me) need some coaching on being better and more attentive to refilling our own cups, bowls, and buckets. Thus, the need to better understand what self-care looks like in our lives, so let's chat about that for a minute.
In an article from the magazine Psychology Today, we learn what self-care is NOT:
Self-care is not self-pampering - not that there's anything wrong with self-pampering - pedicures, dark chocolates, and other luxuries. That is, as long as you can afford luxuries. Spending money that you don't have is self-indulgence.
Self-care is not self-indulgence. Popularly, the terms self-care and self-indulgence are used interchangeably, as in "Oh, go ahead, indulge. You deserve it." We tell ourselves that we are practicing self-care when, in fact, we are engaging in self-indulgence. Self-indulgence is characterized by avoidance of the effortful and substitution of quick and easy antidotes. We tell ourselves that the stresses of the day have drained our energy and that vegging on the sofa with a quart of ice cream is all we can expect of ourselves. Rather than shouldering the hard work of self-care, we settle for temporary and largely symbolic fixes - some of which actually stress our systems further.
Here is what self-care IS...
It's going to look different for everyone based on preference, state of mind, and place in life, but it comprises taking care of one's self physically, emotionally, and spiritually DAILY.
I have a perfected recipe that I'm going to share. It looks like this:
1. wake-up early, before the world--savor that quiet time and thank God for a brand new start
2. take 10-30 min. to read from scripture or other inspired words of God--life changing. Don't knock until you try it.
3. exercise--everyone can do something!
4. take time to think, ponder, meditate (while exercising in order to multitask, if necessary)
5. visualize your day--map it out, prioritize, make room for something to look forward to
Once those basics are in place, it's my experience that you'll then be better able to discern what other self-care measures are needed in your life for your particular needs. Those might be learning to say "no" and learning to say "yes," setting boundaries, simplifying, making sure that you stop to eat lunch or get dressed for the day (even if you have no where to go), doing things that truly replenish and are not just time killers, liking yourself more, etc.
These are just a few. If you need more inspiration, the internet is abounding! And it's from my experience that if you really want to know what areas need the most tender care, God will help you to see them. Just ask, but be prepared to do some work.
In addition, a great list is floating around the internet about what mentally strong people do which I find closely tied to this topic. I love it! Access it here.
Dear readers, please recognize that creating a good self-care routine takes time. I certainly have not always practiced this daily plan--it took time to get to the point that it has become second nature. I simply focused on one small change at a time. If you'd like some tips on making a plan to make this happen in your life, I'd love to share them! Just ask. It's the best gift that I've been able to freely give to others and I find it joyful to pass on.
Regardless of what areas you decide this year might need improving in your life, remember these wise words:
Make a plan for self-care. Go ahead. Just do it!
~Arianna
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