Stuffing Is For Turkeys and A Truth About Feelings

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I've had this really bad habit that I've wanted to break free from for years.  You may recognize it in your life as well.  I call it emotional stuffing.  Here's the recipe--no turkey required:

Take one full serving of any of one of those feelings that make you feel vulnerable. My emotions of choice are frustration, fear of disapproval, or hurt.  Feel free to add any of your own choosing--disappointment, grief, self-loathing, or anger work as well.  FYI, they typically all stem from fear.  (Check out this article for a more in-depth explanation.)

Now take that big heaping pile of an unpleasant and uncomfortable feeling and you stuff it.  That's right.  Push it way down deep inside never to be seen or heard from again.

That's it!  Simple, right?

Please be aware that there is one unfortunate side effect to stuffing.  There's some guaranteed heartburn when those feelings don't get dealt with. They eventually have the audacity to show up down the road at the most inappropriate times, uninvited and having grown exponentially in size making even your 401K, with the most aggressive rate of return, horribly jealous.

It seems obvious enough that we should deal with our feelings, but let's be real, even the best of us fall victim to stuffing. 

I've spent a lot of time pondering how to overcome this bad habit.  Confrontations are pretty much my least favorite thing to do in the entire world and it's been endlessly frustrating because in order to overcome my "stuff it" feelings, they require honest communications with others that leave me vulnerable to feeling more of what I'm trying to avoid.

Yep, it's a conundrum.  But since I've learned that I can do hard things (and you can too), I decided once and for all one day that I was ready.  Bring on the change!  I prayed with real intent that I could quit the stuffing and start talking and addressing what needed to be said.  I had no problem standing up for others or for values, but when it came to direct hurt, it was always easier for me to let it go and sweep it under the rug only to find some of those quietly kept feelings simmering and stewing.

Prayer is a funny thing in that it actually works.  Yup, it does, so as I mentioned here, here, and here, if you truly seek change for anything in your life--anything--hold on tight to your bootstraps because you'll get just what you've asked for and often in the least expected of ways.

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Around the same time that I had made this commitment to myself to overcome the stuffing process, I received a letter from a dear friend.  This letter was his gracious and valuable effort in letting me know that something that I had said and how I had said it had caused him pain.  Though my intentions in my eyes made perfect sense, it hadn't come across in the way that it was intended.  It had left him hurting at a time when he was already dealing with other difficulties.

I grieved and groveled and with that same initial graciousness, he readily accepted my apology and our friendship was reconciled.  Instead of that experience being an embarrassing situation, it was a gift for me because it exhibited a pattern that I had needed to learn and had craved in my life.  I wanted to be able to mirror his ability to say, "Hey! You need to know that what you did/said hurt me or was not okay" and then be able to move forward.  No stuffing--just open and willing to face those vulnerable feelings and do so with grace. I'm always amazed at how God can bring us just what we need.

Fast forward through the last year of my life and if you were a fly on the wall, you'd witness a subtle pattern of endless situations that have offered opportunities to voice uncomfortable feelings and to put graciousness into practice.  That Refiner's fire has been at it again.  And though I've got a long way to go before I'm completely comfortable with this revised recipe for dealing with difficult feelings,  I've started to save the stuffing for Thanksgiving Day dinner.  I'm feeling lighter already.

See you at the next adventure!

~Arianna